Think of the coolest person you know. I am not them 😂 Have you ever pictured an alternate reality version of yourself that acted on a number of impulses you had in the back of your head? I have – LOL – it’s like a fun game I like to play in my head sometimes. That said, I’m going to let you all in on some of the fun today.
Please keep in mind, before you read this list, that there is context given in each section. Don’t just read the title and deem me a heathen. Read the section following the title and then decide whether or not I’m a heathen, please.
Thank you.
Not Cool Enough: Twists or Locs
I have friends who always tell me I should try twisting my hair or putting it in locs (why you shouldn’t call them ‘dreadlocks’). Na. Just. Na.
I get a vibe from people with twists (fun/trendy) and locs (confident/courageous) that I just don’t think I give off. That, and I’m not 100% sold that either style would look right on me.
Considered: Gauge Earrings
Semi-related, though — I had considered getting gauges put in my ears at some point. I don’t want anything large, just a small-to-mid-sized tunnel or spiral.
I have always liked the look and felt like I could probably pull off something like that, but – I have my hair. LOL, my hair is big and borderline obnoxious at times. I only feel like one should peacock so much, but yeah – this one has been considered and isn’t completely removed from consideration just yet.
No Cool Enough: A Motorcycle
I have friends online who are really into motorcycles and post cool photos of them on their different types of rides all the time. Some lean more cruiser (think Harley & Indian) — some lean more sport (think Yamaha & BMW) — but they all look like they love it.
I even have a dream motorcycle in mind that I’ve had the opportunity to get on more than one occasion. But… Na… That’s probably not happening if it hasn’t happened at this point.
Considered: Skydiving
If I’m going to risk my life moving fast and furiously, I might as well go big or go home and jump out of a perfectly good airplane, right?
Seriously, though – I’ve considered getting good at skydiving. Not just jumping out tandem attached to an instructor – but being one of the people who can jump out on their own whenever they wanted to so long as they could afford a plane trip to the proper altitude. And don’t even get me started on using one of those squirrel-suit things (I kind of really want to do that).
Will this ever happen? I don’t know. Maybe.
Not Cool Enough: Open Relationships
I know “me” and I couldn’t do this. I don’t look down on people who do open relationships and are ok with their significant other sleeping with someone else – but… No. I feel like I’d experience jealousy and sadness on levels I’ve never known if I did something like this.
That may have worked for Will & Jada. That may have worked for The Merovingian & Persephone in the second Matrix film… But… No. I’m just too square for that life.
Considered: A Threesome (Sort of)
Now, this one is funny because it’s not something I actively sought out. I am not the type to try to get two women in my bed for a random night we’d never forget. Nope — I was propositioned by a couple (I know! I was just as shocked by their taste as you are!).
The funny thing about this one is that when I say “considered” here, I mean that IN THAT MOMENT – I was stuck. I had to think about it because you’re a little honored when a couple comes on to you like that.
I told them “no” (for those who cared), and I would again. This is in that weird space of “Na, I wouldn’t do that – but I did think about it once.” 😅
Not Cool Enough: Being a Hipster
I love hipsters (said non-sarcastically). Like, as people. They’re some of the coolest most interesting people I think this existence provides. Easy going, knowledgeable about a very random set of things, honest, and comfortable in their own skin… But… Na.
I am lazy (at least a little bit) and I feel like being a hipster when you’re just not naturally one, is WORK – and it also makes you a poseur. Again, I LOVE hipsters — but I literally find conversations with them tiresome at times because I just don’t feel cool enough to keep up (I’m not joking).
Considered: An Advanced Degree
On the total opposite end of the spectrum from many hipsters (because – knowledge is free, so why get a degree?) – I considered joining the ranks of those with advanced degrees at one point (this was a LOOOOONG time ago). I admire the work ethic that goes behind getting an advanced degree. There is a level of passion and dedication on display with that chosen path, and a certain certainty, that appeals to me.
However… I lack that, and I’m cool enough with myself to know it and admit it without the worry of feelings of inadequacies. Plus, keep in mind that I’m lazy (at least a little bit). I can’t think of something I care enough about to put myself through school again. In some alternate reality, there’s a highly paid Dr. Johnnie Weathersby III out there doing his thing, but that’s just not my reality this time around.
Not Cool Enough: Doing Drugs
I know people who recreationally use substances. We aren’t like the best of friends in the world, but they’re cool and always super nice (granted, I don’t know any angry people really — kinda’ keep that energy out of my circle when I can). Chill (if I had to describe them in a word).
But I just never got with that. I’m the dude who didn’t have his first drink until he was 21 (not counting the times my dad let me sip his beer when I was a little kid just to make me hate it a little longer). I totally consider caffeine and alcohol drugs (they are, people). There is no way someone like that could make it in the world of actual drug use.
But…
Considered: Selling Drugs
This brings me to my last one – LOL! While I have never actively pursued a life in selling any illegal substances, the thought did cross my mind that I’d be like the perfect candidate (besides my skin color). WHO WOULD SUSPECT ME??! (To my friends and family with small kids, please don’t worry – I have NEVER sold or attempted to sell drugs. This is a hypothetical that I ran through my head and I am not THAT bad of an influence on your children.)
I also feel like I’m “smart enough” to not get caught (but that’s what they all way). Anyway, somewhere out there in the multiverse, there’s a drug kingpin named Weathersby (he only goes by his last name) – and he’s likely done some combination of all of the things I’ve considered and then some and no one is the wiser as to how he affords such a lifestyle – haha!
This is what you get from me on my days off, people. Sheer mental musings. Now I need to get up and go be an adult (take care of a few errands). Hope you’re having a beautiful day.
Peace, and thanks for reading.
The soundtrack for this post provided by…
Image Credits:
– Cover Image © Pixelvario (Shutterstock)
– Body Image 1 © Unknown (Source: Tumblr)
– Body Image 2 © Brad O’Neil (YouTube)
– Body Image 3 © sirtravelalot (Shutterstock)
– Body Image 4 © Suzanna Bunch (Shutterstock)
– Body Image 5 © Scarface (TM & © Universal)