I promise that I’m not in a terrible mood, but this is just where my head is at for some reason right now. I mean, it’s either this or writing a review of The Eternals (which I finally watched this weekend) – but I don’t feel like writing a movie review. The movie wasn’t that bad and gets a lot of undeserved hate for some reason. There.
Some of these are things that I’ve been working on for the last year or so, but they just continue to nag at me. Some of them are fresh. None of them are subliminal messages to anyone — this is ALL directed at me. Oh, and it’s presented in no particular order of severity.
I am just going to rattle off on this list because my mind is buzzing with this and I’d like to be able to sleep tonight, so here goes. Maybe someone else out there can relate.
Feeling There Are Things I SHOULD Be Doing
There are times that I genuinely think about what a good/reasonable/responsible/adult/mature person would do in given situations. Obsessing over how I should handle an issue just because I’m at some point in my life vs. another, and just some overall concern of correctness.
Well, you know what?!! “Why?”
None of us have this (Life) figured out. And who would be the person that has written the reference material on the way things SHOULD be? Where is this association that came up with the handbook for living a good adult life? “No one,” and, “It doesn’t exist,” are the answers.
Everything presented by everyone is all ideas and expressions (haha – I know that sounds a little drunk, but I promise I haven’t been drinking). We all determine what matters to ourselves, and therefore can probably determine our own “should” criteria (whatever that may be based on for each of us at a personal level).
Not Forgiving Myself
Ugh – I have done some things that I have not been proud of in my life. Either knowingly, unknowingly, or regrettably “somewhat aware of” (if that makes sense). Everyone has if you’ve lived a little.
My issue is that I hold on to every little thing and internalize all of it. I then pile it all up into a subconscious list and hold it against myself as a massive weight against the value of my own character; meanwhile, everyone else who was actually involved in whatever happened in the past has sincerely moved on with their lives.
Yeah, I need to stop that. “Johnnie, I forgive you. You are free. Live your life.”
Allowing Others to Live Rent-Free in My Head
Related – have you ever heard the Buddha quote: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”?
Well, this isn’t anger – but it’s in that same school of thought only with a mixed bag of other emotions. I will literally think of people constantly who, if I really think about it, probably haven’t thought of me in the last [insert number of…] years. Literally. (No matter how much I may wish in my heart that they did think of me.)
And I pray for them regularly, too. What kind of sense does that make?
Ugh. Put in some witty statement about “soul ties & not making them frivolously” here and keep it moving. I have to start putting a time limit on those bonds — putting them down and moseying along.
Starting Things and Not Finishing Them
For those who don’t know me, I am a CHRONIC quitter. If I start a thing and feel like it’s not going my way after too long, I walk away. I have never been afraid to cut my losses.
And while I DO NOT think that’s necessarily a bad skill to have (knowing when to quit), I do think the constant “thoughtless starting” is bad. So… maybe I’ll start putting a little MORE thought into things before I begin them? Hmmm… We’ll see.
Letting Things Go Unsaid
I suffer from that terrible curse where I can’t think of my response to shocks to my system in the moments of the shock. I am not quick on my feet like that. I need time to process something and then get my thoughts out (it’s how I learned to NOT allow myself to emotionally say things that I can’t “unsay”).
Anywho, the problem that this creates is that there are times that I really want to say something to someone, but the time has long since passed that saying ANYTHING even feels remotely appropriate (something about “letting sleeping dogs lay,” amirite?).
And with that, the vicious cycle of them living in my head rent-free begins.
So, I guess I’ll work on putting together what I need to say more quickly? Either that or just doing what I’m doing now and writing it all down to get it out. Sometimes brain dumps are a good thing.
I know some people I know will say, “Johnnie, you aren’t aimless!” Oh, but I am.
That’s my secret to hitting all my goals, I’m not really aiming for them.
A long time ago I gave myself a secret motivation. “Go up or forward,” I said. “Never go down or backward.” (I wish I were making this up.)
So, I’ll progress, but it’s toward absolutely nothing — and at this age in my life, I’m feeling the toll of that. There isn’t anything necessarily bad about it, but there is no finish line in sight and that’s a little… worrying.
Guess I need to “figure out what I want” now… Ugh.
Not Living in The Moment
I stay stuck living in the past or planning for the future. I wrote an entire blog post (to myself) recently about this very issue, so I won’t unload here. Check out that post if you want the full spiel — but, yeah – I need to work on living in the moment.
Stressing Things That Don’t Matter
I can say that I’ve gotten better about this over time, but I’m still not where I want to be with the lack of effs to be given about things that don’t matter. Whether it’s how things are settled with people who I will never cross paths with again, things that were done in the past that I can’t undo, or caring about updates to a news feed when I should be working… I have to learn not to sweat the inconsequential.
Forgetting The Good Things
I almost wrote a blog post about my secret to getting over heartache a few weeks ago, but I’ve decided to let that sit until February (foreshadowing). My bad habit of forgetting the good parts of a situation that ended badly sometimes keeps me down in the dumps. I imagine things can be that way for many of us.
We can’t forget that some good stuff probably happened too, before all of the bad stuff and that’s probably what made the bad stuff feel so devastating (to whatever degree). It may not even be that the bad stuff was even all that bad or unexpected, but that the good stuff was really all that great and meant the world to us — and we miss it.
Again, more to come on that in February.
If you made it here, thanks for taking that ride with me. I don’t know what brought these thoughts on necessarily – but they’ve kind of been there all weekend. Felt like something that was just clawing at my brain like, “Write me! Write meeeee!”